Help your child deal with strong feelings

Feelings can be slippery things to understand. Kids in elementary and middle school are really still figuring out what they’re feeling, why they’re feeling it, and how to react.

All children need support from their parents and caregivers to understand their feelings and learn to handle them—some might just need more help than others. Some young children can already manage their feelings, while other kids take longer to develop these skills. This is really normal—everyone develops at different stages and speeds. It’s also normal for their behaviors to change as they grow. As children develop, different things will trigger their emotions and different things will soothe them.

Tips:

1. Watch carefully.

Does your child struggle with new information? Do they avoid other people? Do they have trouble communicating their ideas? These could be signs that their feelings are overwhelming them.

2. Get curious

Try understanding your child’s perspective by getting really curious about what might be happening. When thinking about behavior, always ask yourself—what might my child be going through or experiencing that could explain the way they are behaving? Maybe they had a fight with a friend or are worried about going to a new school. Then ask an open-ended question (one that doesn’t have a simple yes or no answer) to learn more. “I noticed you’ve been really grouchy these past couple of days. I wonder what might be going on for you?”

3. Show empathy

Helping your child feel understood can go a long way. The best way to do this is to reflect the feeling: “you feel like your sister always gets everything” or “you think it’s not fair” or “you wish you didn’t have homework.” A reflection is a statement not a question. It shows you are really listening. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the behavior, simply that you understand the feeling or reasons behind why they might have done something (e.g. You really miss your grandmother).

4. Less is more.

When kids (really all people) are overwhelmed and upset the part of their brain that processes language stops working as well as it does when they are calm. Sitting or walking alongside your child without talking can be enough. Resist the urge to lecture, scold, or reassure (it is going to be okay or don’t worry). Use short, simple sentences if you do need to say something. (e.g. I see you are upset. How can I help?)

5. Provide structure and predictability

Have age-appropriate routines and limits. Reliable structure can help children feel safe and in control.

6. Include relaxation breaks in your day.

Give stretching, exercise or quiet time a go.

7. Teach by showing

Show kids how you manage your own feelings. If you can remain calm, it will help to reassure your child that they too can manage difficult feelings.